"I hate myself and want to die"

Whoa, not me. Not literally anyway. It's the title of a song written and released by the 90's rock band Nirvana. Their lead singer reportedly would answer "How are you doing" questions with this line. Kurt Cobain went on to commit suicide in 1994 by shooting himself in the head with a shotgun. It's a tragic end to a strangely troubled life. Whether in a sarcastic tone or not, anyone who would answer "How are you?" with "I hate myself and want to die" is a troubled man. Plagued with strange demons (not necessarily literally).

Yet in a strange way it is not altogether uncommon to experience self-hatred. The enemy uses that to his advantage, including those who follow Jesus. Ask yourself a question. Have you ever had feelings of self-hatred when you sin? Even as a child of God? Feelings of such strong guilt that you feel like you're beyond the love of the Father? So much so that when you look in the mirror you're so disgusted with what you see that you're not sure you want to see yourself again. (Ol' Faithful Internet Monk explains this phenomenon well here. Read it and prepare to have your mind read to you).

The enemy would say to you "Run and hide from God. You're so very dirty and God wants nothing to do with you." Not unlike Silar from the TV show Heroes in last nights episode. He induces so much guilt on the part of the Mya character (actually quite a bore of a storyline), that he has her believe she wanted to kill her brother's wife and that he hates her for doing so (an act she had NO control over at the time).

The Gospel says to us rather than "Run and hide, you're far too dirty for God," "Run TO God, you've already been forgiven in Jesus Christ. Nothing you can do will cause God to love you more or less." We struggle mightily with this. It's easier to allow self-hate to cloud and consume you than it is to rest in God's forgiveness of you in Jesus. When we betray God, which happens on a regular basis, our flesh lets us know and believe that we now sit in infinite guilt. It's hard to explain the difference between guilt and conviction in a saint of God. Conviction is the Holy Spirit's way of getting us to repent. When we once repent and turn, any guilt is induced by the enemy and not by God.

So when you sin, child of God, don't run away from God. Don't hide your face in shame. Take the conviction as an opportunity for repentance and restoration. Take the guilt then, and throw it away. Claim the precious promise of God that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." You may have to tell yourself that again and again. But please don't answer God's conviction with "I hate myself and want to die." Answer it by repenting and then resting in forgiveness.

To KJV or not to KJV

There is a quarrel that looks more like a battlefield among some Christians and even entire regions of Christians against others over what particular translation of the Bible is the correct one. Which one is the inspired one? Which one is most accurate, or according to some completely word for word accurate? Nevermind that I don't have the space to address this issue properly in a blog, is this something to divide over?

The divinity of Jesus? The inspiration, infallibility, innerrent nature of the Bible? The Trinity? The nature of salvation by Jesus alone? All things we must divide over if there is ever debate questioning it. There is a place to take your stand and fight your battles. If you're going to fight a battle, choose it wisely, and stay close to those key doctrinal statements of faith.

The questions surrounding Bible translations are legitimate, important questions that we must ask. They should be tactfully addressed. They are worthy things to study. This is not the battleground to fight over. I've read literature from many camps over the course of years. I will confess that I rarely take seriously any side that comes out and says they have and know the ONLY legitimate translation of God's word, and that all others are corrupt and sometimes they will go as far as to say they are of the devil.

How do you even debate that? If someone thinks your copy of the Scriptures was inspired by the Dark Lord, then you've started out a few points behind in that person's book. I've taken my position over the course of time and much study and prayer. Many translations have much to offer. Many are wholly inadequate. Many are somewhere in between. I can learn from an ESV, NIV, NASB, KJV, just fine. Some are easier to understand than others. None do claim within the Bible itself that their translation is the final say so from God.

In the coming year I will likely preach a series on the Bible where we will address these particular questions. If you are an attender or member at Little Mountain then keep your ears peeled for more soon.

They Said It (update)

Check the links under "They Said it (Things from people much smarter than me). One link is from my former pastor during Seminary. He's only about 34 but he's a brilliant communicator. The other is by one of my favorite Southern Baptist Convention employees, Ed Stetzer. Both offer links to conference stuff about Calvinism in the SBC. This has been a growing conflict that's caused much hurt and many rifts in churches needlessly. Which JC do you follow? John Calvin or Jesus Christ? It makes a lot of difference. Let us pray that we will not engage in foolish controversies or quarrel about words. Check the links out. What do you think?

Ends and Beginnings

I haven't posted in about a 5 or 6 days now and the reason is that much has happened in between then and now. Our church has lost 2 faithful and priceless men in exactly a weeks time. Both left the tent of their earthly bodies and went to be with Christ. They're waiting even now for the resurrection. Both happened suddenly and surprisingly although neither was totally unexpected. As I left the hospital about 3 am Monday morning I had the thought in my head that a church is just a generation away from extinction (or something like that). As we lose those pillars of our local church we lose a wealth of experience, wisdom, and faithfulness. But if we open our eyes we'll find that we've not lost it, but now have an opportunity to use it. The way to honor the memory of the faithful ones who've gone before us is to move forward ourselves. To reach out and exert our energy in reproducing a younger generation of disciples to carry the work forward. It's always been this way. When one moves on, another can step in and carry the torch.

I examined myself and our church to see if we were doing everything we could to make disciples in the generations below those great older members. The question, "Are we multi-generationally friendly" if that makes sense, is an important and difficult question. How do we move on without forgetting what happened before us? How do we honor those still among us while evolving our methods to reach the next generations? That's an age old question that I'd love to know the answer to.

All I know is that in one week we saw 2 ends and 3 beginnings. While we mourn the loss of the 2 dear men whom everyone loved, we had an opportunity to see the spiritual journey of 3 young believers get a kick start on Sunday night as they passed through the waters of baptism. It was a joy to see them follow Christ in obedience to His command. Now the real work begins. The work of taking new converts to Jesus and showing them how their spiritual conversion looks in their everyday life. That's really discipleship. Showing and teaching people to look more like the master each day in all the thousands of regular things we do.

I will miss these 2 men that went on before me. I knew both only about 9 months, but they left a mark. Will the generation that follows have the chance to leave a similar mark? To care about the work of the ministry going on at Little Mountain enough to sacrifice to take part in it? I despair sometimes because I know I can't make that happen. Yet at the same time, God faithfully lets me know it was never my joy to "make" anything happen. He'll be faithful to take care of that. I'm responsible to faithfully do what I can do. Pray for our church. Pray that God would raise up a mighty army of faithful men and women to transform and change not only ourselves but our community and world.

Website Update

Just a quick note to let you know the church website has been updated with a new article you may find mildly amusing. It's entitled, "Jesus, James Bond, and Christmas." Intrigued? Even if you're not, stop by the site and check it out. In other news, lmbchurch.net has received over 600 hits in the past 30 days. Not bad for a Rural American Church.

Marriage. Have I Not Paid Attention?

There is a series of articles on a blog I regularly read about the myth of the ideal marriage more or less. His contention is that evangelicals promote an idealized form of marriage that looks very little like real life marriages. That these "real" marriages have problems. Real and not simply petty disagreements. Real marriages don't look like a '50's television sitcom (NOTE: He did not actually say that, but it's a reasonable statement based on the gist of the articles).

The frustrating thing for this man is that there is no teaching about marriage at the real, nitty gritty, not always a picnic level. There is plenty about submission and male headship and the Ephesians 5 marriage, but in practice we're too stained with indwelling sin still to look just like that. He says much more than all this, but this is enough to make my point.

Where is he going for his "evangelical marriage teaching." I've heard few, including several mega-church pastors that one would think would be the 1st to stylize marriage, actually do so. Most I've ever heard were open about the facts. Marriages aren't perfect. They're sometimes messy. We sometimes fight. We don't always make up right away, and sadly sometimes not at all. Every pastor I've been exposed to handled this with remarkable honesty. They were all frank about the less the perfect marriages they are a part of. There was no straw man telling me that if "You will lead, your wife will submit, then marriage will always work just right."

So the question I have in all this is; Has he constructed a straw evangelical preacher man to knock down. The straw preacher who isn't transparent. The straw preacher who preaches about victory NOW in Jesus in you marriage. The straw preacher who says "Leadership, Submission, and a Good Bible" will be all you need to keep you from wandering through your marriage. I think the straw preacher man is less common in reality these days. Maybe he still preaches in many pulpits, and maybe I just haven't paid attention.

Sidenote: There is much more to this article than I had time to include. But if half the body is a straw man, what's the other half?

When I Don't Feel Like Going to God...

Is the time of greatest urgency...
Is the time of greatest danger...
Is the time I need Him most...
Is the time I want Him least...
Is the time I don't want discipline...
Is the time I feel I deserve it...
Is the time I am most desperate...
Is the time He is so willing...
Is the time He is still waiting...
Is the time His blood was shed for...
Is the time I am still His child...
Is the time I became alive for...
Is the time that I should go to Him.

30 Year Olds in College Clothes

The last post was sort of metaphorical, scriptural, type musings based on God's word. This one is sort of more personal, embarrassing, and close to home. I'm now officially 30 years old. Yes, November 17th makes me a man no longer in his 20's. It's also official that I am now able to be branded as someone stuck in another decade. I wear flip-flops and I'm not a hippie. I wear t-shirts and blue jeans and I'm not a rock star. I still have a shadow where once grew a goatee, and a rather magnificent one at that. I don't feel 30. I don't look 30, but there is no getting around the fact that I am 30. 30 years old and still dressed up in the trappings of a college student. I find it hard to let go. I am now the guy wearing member's only jackets in the 90's. I'm the guy listening to 80's hair bands in the grunge age. In short I'm the guy I made fun of when I was half-way cool. I'm also a married father of two girls. I'm cornier than ever. I would rather spend the evening on the couch than out on the town. Some things change while others remain the same. 30 isn't anything more than a number, but it's a symbol as well. A symbol that it's time to move on. To face the realities of life, and quit trying to just "be me." That was a rather embarrassing stage of life. The refusal to grow up b/c it didn't "fit" my personality. I've got a lot more to learn as a father, husband, pastor, son, etc. But thankfully to God I've learned so much already. 30 more years is right around the corner God willing. At 30 being stuck at 20 is inexcusable. At 60 being stuck at 50 is forgivable. I'll wake up there tomorrow. In the blink of an eye. Then I'll be wearing black socks with shorts and penny loafers. I'll wear white socks with dress pants. My lasik will have worn off. And I hope I'll be exactly where God wants me to be.

Wolves Wearing Sheep Clothes

Every church has them. They always have from the very beginning. They come in unnoticed at first. Possibly b/c we're not watching out for them. Possibly b/c we're not aware they're out there wanting to come in. If we'd just pay a little attention we'd notice they smell different, they act different, and they eat differently. We might have noticed a sheep or two missing. Gone from the flock without a trace. We act ambivalent, like it's just a curious oddity. Then we hear the murmuring. 1st it's dull chatter, then louder and more specific. "We think one of our sheep is not a sheep. We think there is a wolf among us." How did we let that happen? How does any church let that happen? A wolf in sheep's clothing is still a wolf. Did we not know how wolves act? Did we not understand their kind of hunger? They only want to eat sheep. At that point it's really pretty late in the game. The wolf has taken some of our own, eaten them and spit the bones back out. We scramble to find a way to get rid of the wolf, but we've been caught unawares. We never recognized the threat that had gotten in through the defenses. Truthfully we had very weak defenses. The sheep didn't listen to the Master's words. Or if they did, they chose not to obey. And so it was only inevitable that one day a wolf, or maybe a pack of wolves, would wreak havoc in our fold. If we'd only heeded the warning. If we'd only listened for the traits of the wolf so we'd recognize it when we saw it. Maybe it never would have happened. Now we pick up the pieces, knowing that at least the end for the wolf will be worse than the harm he has done. It won't be the same, but by the Shepherd's grace, perhaps it will be better. If we'll only heed the voice of the Shepherd.

Ava Grace Photos Updated

I've updated the photo page from Ava Grace's birthday. Check out the pics of the new tied for first place most beautiful little girl in the world here.

They Said It

What was formerly known as Joshua's Shared Items (very boring and dull) has been given a face lift. Actually just a name change. If you look to the sidebar over on the right of this blog you'll find something called, "They Said It...Things from people much smarter than me." These will be articles and tidbits of information from people who say things in ways that are much better than I could ever say them. YOU SHOULD CLICK ON THESE EVERYTIME YOU SEE IT UPDATED. Some of these men will be brilliant. Others will simply nail something down in an unusual way that would cause me to say "Well said, Hear, Hear!" You'll be smarter if you'll read these. Trust me on this one.

The Overlooked Holiday

The build up is intense. It's massive actually. If an alien from another planet happened to land anywhere in the United States from October 1st to the beginning of November they would think that Halloween is the most celebrated and anticipated Holiday in America. What would they think of our trick or treating, outlandish costumes and obsession with candy? What would happen if they landed here a few days after Halloween? What would they find? Christmas. Decorations, songs, sales, etc. In every store following October 31st, you'll find the Christmas scene being rolled out. Then, tucked nicely in between Halloween and Christmas, there would be a little blip on the radar somewhere around the last full week of November. Would they notice it? We call it Thanksgiving. Many know it as "the day before we do all of our Christmas shopping day." Yes, Thanksgiving is one of the most overlooked if not the most overlooked holiday we have. Why is that? I believe it has something to do with our consumerism. At Halloween you get lots of candy. At Christmas you get mounds of toys. But at Thanksgiving you just think about all the candy and toys without actually getting any. It's hard for stores to make money off of a Holiday where people are simply mindful and thankful for what they have. It's much easier when we're all doling things out. I think it's tragic that the day we've set aside to specifically thank God for all He's done is squeezed between Vampire masks and Santa Claus so that it's just a Holiday we get past in order to move closer to Christmas. I for one, would love to see an emphasis reemerge on Thanksgiving. Time where we set aside consumerism and getting and giving and are simply thankful to God Almighty for what He's doing and has done in our lives. And in our country. And in our world. And also, for what He's doing through Jesus Christ. It may make retailers angry. It may slow down our economy a blip. But it may just gladden the heart of God. Of course one day out of 365 1/4 days is not very much, but it's a start.

Home from the Hospital

We left the hospital today at about 1 and are settling in with Ava Grace in her new setting. She's handled it like a champ. She's actually handled much like her father, by sleeping for hours at a time. I feel like someone's drugged me with some powerful sleeping potion. Brooke is doing so great I can't believe it. You would never know she went through labor a few days ago. It's absolutely astounding. I guess with Kate being such a difficult delivery I assumed they were all like that. In any case we're excited to get back to life outside the hospital and adjusting to two little girls will be a real change, but a welcome one. Thanks to anyone reading this for your prayers and support. We appreciate each one lifted up to the Lord. We look forward to seeing you all again soon.

The Comment Post

If you're not able to visit us at the hospital we certainly understand, but that shouldn't exclude you from the visitor book! Leave a comment here on this post. We'll check it, and that will be just as good as a visit. Simply click on the comment link at the bottom of each post and tell us your name and any message you may have. We love each of you.

Link to More Pics

Here's the link to some more photos at Picasa Web. This link should take you directly to the photo album. Check them out here.

The Pipes are at Full Force

She cried at 1st but once in "mommy's" arms she got rather calm.

Welcome to the World!

At 12:52 p.m. today, Ava Grace Phillips was born into the world. For the women, she was 7 pounds 12 ounces, and I have no idea how long she is. Brooke did so well, and is feeling great. I will post some photos of the baby soon. We appreciate all prayers and support. Hope to see and hear from you soon.

Josh and Brooke

Rise and Shine

Tomorrow morning at 5:00 Brooke and I will wake up, take showers, and head to the hospital to meet our new baby. I believe I will have access to the internet from the hospital so I will post some pictures, and post a few blog entries, so check back often to see pictures of the new tied for the cutest girl in the world. If you're in driving distance stop by and see us. We are pumped!

Fight or Flight?

God created us with an interesting trait that's built in to who we are. He gave us adrenaline and programmed us with instinct so that in any given situation if our body senses trouble, it naturally reacts in a certain way. The instincts come alive when the adrenaline starts pumping and we're being prepared for 1 of 2 things. Either we will stay and fight or we will flee to get away. It's a part of our survival. This happens to us when we're in the woods and we see a bear, when we're in a dark alley and we see a shadow, or when we're in the early stages of an argument. It's the last one I want to hit on for a minute. Because there is a 3rd choice that humans have when the adrenaline starts pumping and we know we're in for a fight. We can take the opportunity presented to us as a chance to love the other person the way that Jesus loved them. "Wait a second, that's not in my nature?" Exactly. It's not in your nature. When we're cornered we want to fight or to slip off and escape. Rarely will we desire to stay and love our criticizer. But for the Christian fight or flight can't be our only 2 options. Too much to say and not enough time. Stop back in later.

Oh, the irony of it all...

Evangelical Christians in the United States are currently in the middle of a self-inflicted embarrassment over the financial dealings of 6 prominent "televangelists." There's a lot I could say about this situation, but here's a link to someone who said it all in a far more interesting sort of way. Read Dan Edelen's post Too Much. Be warned; this is ugly and could make you uncomfortable. Don't say I didn't tell you so!

Deal w/Don't Avoid

I read a very interesting quote today that got my mind racing in regards to personal criticism. It said, "To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." Isn't that the only way to avoid being criticized? Pastors are especially susceptible to criticism because of their visibility and responsibility. It will always be a heavy burden being a pastor by the very nature of the calling. But if you're called by God, you cannot avoid criticism. The truth is, you shouldn't even try. That sounds surprising, but there's a liberating thought that always comforts me; "You can't please everyone all the time." A real pastor isn't even in the business of pleasing. A real pastor is in the shepherding business. We get to experience with our people all the joys and happiness, and we rejoice in those times with our people. We pray for those times. We seek them out. But maybe more often we're involved not in the joys and happiness, but in the darkness and heartache of our people. In those times we hurt with our people. We cry with them. We pray for them. We never seek them out, but we do our best to be there when they happen. Unfortunately sometimes we can't. People think criticism of the pastor rolls off his back. That he's somehow immune from the feelings normal people have. It's a lie. It's totally untrue. We hurt as bad as the next person, and take it just as personally. It's just that God calls all Christians, including pastors to deal with criticism in a godly way. If it can't be avoided it can be dealt with like Jesus would deal with it. You know He received His fair share of criticism too. I count it joy to receive anything that my Savior received. SO even though it hurts, pastors and Christians, press on. I preached on the Golden Rule last Sunday. One major point I made is that we treat others in 2 ways. 1) The way our loving God treats us. 2) The way we'd want others to treat us. That should happen regardless of how we feel, and regardless of how others treat us. It's easier said than done, but I've got to eat the same thing I feed others. If you're criticized frequently or even rarely, 1st ask yourself if the criticism is fair. If it is put pride aside and repent. If it's not then deal with the criticizer in a Christ like way. Jesus loved even those who put Him to death. He calls us to do the same. God my prayer now and always is, "Let me treat others with Your love at all times, and so reflect glory on your precious name."

5 Full Days and Counting

Ava Grace Phillips is preparing to make her grand entrance into the world in about 5 days, prayerfully sooner. My perhaps delusional dream is that when we go to the doctor today he'll tell us, "Wow you look ready right now. Let's get you admitted to the hospital." That's not too much to ask since my wife's been having contractions for a week now. My gut says, "You'll just have to wait it out." God's always trying to test my patience. Patience is truly one of the hardest virtues to learn. I usually find myself expressing to God my already well developed sense of it. Like I told the church on Sunday, "Who am I fooling? Sometimes myself, but never God." He knows I need to continue to mature in this area. Who doesn't? Children are the surest way to test your patience level. I'll post soon on Children and Sanctification. This is one of the most practical lessons I've learned in a long time. I hope it will help you when you're fooling yourself about it.

Sunday Reflections

This past Sunday was yet again a wonderful day for us at Little Mountain. I earnestly believe that God is moving in the hearts of our people, and it's clear that people are being convicted. I pray for a revival among our people, and only God can make that happen. We're drawing near the end of the Sermon on the Mount, and with it our "New Kind of Human" series. We took a look at the Golden Rule from Matthew 7:12. What did we learn from it?

1. The Golden Rule is our Response to our Gracious and Generous Father - B/c the Father gives good gifts to His children, we ought to respond in like manner to those we come in contact with.
2. The Golden Rule is an Action Rule - It's a call for us to act. Many religions tell you how not to treat others, but Jesus makes it clear that His command is that we act in love towards others. We can't ignore their needs. We treat them well no matter how we feel about them or how they act towards us.
3. The Golden Rule is an Application of the OT - The OT has much to tell us about how we ought to treat others. Jesus gives us the summarized Cliff's Notes version of all of that. In other words if you want to follow the OT ethical teachings about how we treat others, then follow the Golden Rule.

It's not easy or automatic by any means. In fact following the GR is impossible by purely human strength. We can't simply will ourselves to do it. It must be our work in conjunction with the Holy Spirit's empowering in our hearts. Pray that God would empower you to respond to His love by acting in love towards others.

Tech Obsessed

I can't stop. I'll admit it. Every time I get some free alone time I'm obsessed with messing around with technology that is relatively new to me. This blog, my family blog, our church website and now Google Analytics, Picasso web galleries, and web hosting for podcasting. These are all amazing tools to help connect with people via a medium that wasn't available for most of the last several thousand years. This stuff is keeping up at night. Instead of sleeping I'm researching whether .mac is a worthy investment to get 10 gigs of web space for podcasts and sermon audio, or whether another option is better. It's 1:25 am and I'm writing about my obsession. I should have been in bed an hour and a half ago. Somebody please stop me.