"I hate myself and want to die"

Whoa, not me. Not literally anyway. It's the title of a song written and released by the 90's rock band Nirvana. Their lead singer reportedly would answer "How are you doing" questions with this line. Kurt Cobain went on to commit suicide in 1994 by shooting himself in the head with a shotgun. It's a tragic end to a strangely troubled life. Whether in a sarcastic tone or not, anyone who would answer "How are you?" with "I hate myself and want to die" is a troubled man. Plagued with strange demons (not necessarily literally).

Yet in a strange way it is not altogether uncommon to experience self-hatred. The enemy uses that to his advantage, including those who follow Jesus. Ask yourself a question. Have you ever had feelings of self-hatred when you sin? Even as a child of God? Feelings of such strong guilt that you feel like you're beyond the love of the Father? So much so that when you look in the mirror you're so disgusted with what you see that you're not sure you want to see yourself again. (Ol' Faithful Internet Monk explains this phenomenon well here. Read it and prepare to have your mind read to you).

The enemy would say to you "Run and hide from God. You're so very dirty and God wants nothing to do with you." Not unlike Silar from the TV show Heroes in last nights episode. He induces so much guilt on the part of the Mya character (actually quite a bore of a storyline), that he has her believe she wanted to kill her brother's wife and that he hates her for doing so (an act she had NO control over at the time).

The Gospel says to us rather than "Run and hide, you're far too dirty for God," "Run TO God, you've already been forgiven in Jesus Christ. Nothing you can do will cause God to love you more or less." We struggle mightily with this. It's easier to allow self-hate to cloud and consume you than it is to rest in God's forgiveness of you in Jesus. When we betray God, which happens on a regular basis, our flesh lets us know and believe that we now sit in infinite guilt. It's hard to explain the difference between guilt and conviction in a saint of God. Conviction is the Holy Spirit's way of getting us to repent. When we once repent and turn, any guilt is induced by the enemy and not by God.

So when you sin, child of God, don't run away from God. Don't hide your face in shame. Take the conviction as an opportunity for repentance and restoration. Take the guilt then, and throw it away. Claim the precious promise of God that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." You may have to tell yourself that again and again. But please don't answer God's conviction with "I hate myself and want to die." Answer it by repenting and then resting in forgiveness.